1) Robert Benchley
It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn’t give it up, because by that time I was too famous.
2) Oscar Levant
What the world needs is more geniuses with humility, there are so few of us left.
3) Paul Merton
I’m always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can’t understand is, if they don’t know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?
4) Homer Simpson
You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is ‘never try’
5) Jean Kerr
I’m tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That’s deep enough. What do you want – an adorable pancreas?
6) Steven Wright
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
7) Partick Moore
At my age I do what Mark Twain did. I get my daily paper, look at the obituaries page and if I’m not there I carry on as usual.
8) Groucho Marx
I don’t care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
9) Ellen DeGeneres
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.
10) Elayne Boosler
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I only lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.